Practice in Self-Confidence

Something that is not instantly apparent about me is my lack of self-confidence.  Or, rather, my aspirations to a higher level of that quality than I currently possess.  I used to have low self-esteem; I'm now in next step of recuperation, intentionally giving myself opportunities to test my self-confidence when it is not intuitive for me to do so.

I've found that to have self-confidence, on an everyday scale, involves the following:

1. Making a rational evaluation of the circumstances
2. Making a reasonable decision(s) based on your evaluation
3. Trusting yourself

 The adjectives here are important.  A rational evaluation leaves little buffer room (if any) for fear.  It prevents you from fooling yourself into thinking you have entire control over the circumstances.  It neither falsely bloats nor minimizes the consequences of your next actions.

In the same way, a reasonable decision is limited to your actual abilities to take action; it is not impacted by your imagined abilities or disabilities.  The margin of error it allows is not exaggerated, but appropriate and proportionate (tending to be more exact as you gain experience).  The reasonable decision addresses the problem(s) with focused energy and perspective.

In theory, if the first two points are met, the third will fall into place organically. 

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Belong Somewhere

"If you could move anywhere, where would you want to move to?"

In our family, asking hypothetical questions is a favorite pastime.

"Well, I liked Pennsylvania, and New York," I said half-heartedly.

It wasn't a lie, it was just a truth that didn't mean anything.  Since childhood, the idea of moving has been a nightmare, or, at best, a bad idea.  Now I think I've finally figured it out.  I belong in the Pacific Northwest - "belong" in exactly the possessive sense of the word.

I am a first-gen PNW girl.  And that can mean a lot of things, which is why I feel isolated, when I'm not.  The PNW is a diverse patchwork-place.  It may be known for rain, coffee, and liberal politics, but once you live here, you see a huge array of subcultures, substereotypes, and interesting trends nobody talks about, since they're understood.

Loneliness thrives here.  Loneliness on both societal and individual levels.  If we have one thing in common - be it an affection for a deadly volcano over our heads, or a mystical fascination with the paradise that is California - we cling to this commonality.  The feeling of belonging somewhere else brings people together, too; as they see it, they are rooted here for a season or two of their lives, but if they stay any longer it is quite by accident, or habit.  They move about tentatively, ergo they form ties with everyone and no one.  Loneliness almost unites the lonely, almost.

Oddly enough, I don't get that feeling of belonging elsewhere.  For that and other reasons, I certainly don't fit in here; I belong to many "groups," but of each label I am always an atypical version.  The main point, though, is that there is nowhere I could fit in better.  It is enough to belong somewhere, never mind elsewhere.  I intend to stay here indefinitely, pull our moody weather over my head, and be glad that Conrad understands.

‘It seems to me I am trying to tell you a dream—making a vain attempt, because no relation of a dream can convey the dream–sensation, that commingling of absurdity, surprise, and bewilderment in a tremor of struggling revolt, that notion of being captured by the incredible which is of the very essence of dreams….’

He was silent for a while.

 ‘…No, it is impossible; it is impossible to convey the life–sensation of any given epoch of one’s existence—that which makes its truth, its meaning—its subtle and penetrating essence. It is impossible. We live, as we dream—alone….’

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People Who Matter

Sometimes it is worth it, saving a post in Draft, especially if you wait a little longer and find a happier ending for it!

***

April 19, 2013

There is this one website that I would visit from time to time, for the last five (six? seven?) years or so.  Not on a regular basis, not even on a once-a-month basis.  It was a wallpaper/photography website, and I visited it like I would a museum, very rarely but with a degree of awe, so far as it was just not a website I could contribute to, but one to inspire.

And there was this one British photographer whose gallery I was invariably drawn to.  Presumably retired, he would go on country drives and take photos of the English and Scottish scenery - it didn't matter whether he was an amateur or professional, he had a sense about it, had a knack for bringing out the warm colors and general feel of the places he was photographing.  Among the new images on the site, I started to look for his wallpapers especially.  He gave them humorous captions; his was a down-to-earth brand of humor that let his conversational voice come through.  He gave his art personality; his gallery was a homey, bright place in the internet, because it was there and didn't tangle itself up with the real world.

Today I didn't see any captions on the new wallpapers that I could recognize as his.  I had to locate his profile, where he had removed his gallery and posted his last image around Christmastime.  It appears that, like many great internet communities, this wallpaper website had changed in a very bad way.  Someone like him, who had contributed so much, had come to a point where it just wasn't working out anymore. The point of removing his beautiful gallery, compiled over the course of about eight or nine years, and saying good-bye to his photography friends there.

***

That was all I wrote at the time, a bit emotionally unedited, as you can see.  (Well, I was upset!  And shocked besides.)  Fortunately, that's not all there is to it.  The photographer is back, and, while I think his best shots are still offline, it is good to see he has a gallery again.  I'm guess the lesson (for me, a frequent one) is that you can't understand how much you appreciate something or someone until they're gone, with no certainty of their coming back.  It just reminds me how grateful I am for the people I know over the internet, whether they be bloggers like you or artists I admire from "afar."  Keep up the great work, won't you?

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Il Trovatore

Opera review: Il Trovatore (2009)

Giuseppe Verdi (1853)
The Metropolitan Opera: Live in HD (Summer Encore)
In Italian with English subtitles 

Someone in this production - I don't recall if it was one of the cast members or the host Renée Fleming - described this opera as "crazy," and I wholeheartedly second that description.  Unlike Un Ballo in Maschera, the plot and overall tone of Il Trovatore embrace operatic drama completely, without regard for subtlety or psychology.  There's Count di Luna (Dmitri Hvorostovsky), who is supposed to be searching for Azucena (Dolora Zajick), the woman who purportedly killed Di Luna's brother when he was a boy.  Di Luna, however, spends more time brooding over his obsession with Leonora (Sondra Radvanovsky), a young woman who has already fallen hard for the Troubadour (poet-musician), Manrico (Marcelo Álvarez).  If that were not enough, Di Luna and Manrico are also political enemies, literally at war with each other in any case.  Things can only go downhill from there, and they do . . .

Having immensely enjoyed Un Ballo (2012), which featured the same lead trio, I guess my expectations were pretty high - overall, Il Trovatore was not a disappointment, but it was not quite as good.  This was probably due to a combination of production fails (see below) and just the opera itself, which seems overrated.  It gets four stars, because there is still plenty for opera enthusiasts to like about it.

The one thing that blew me away was Álvarez as Manrico.  Now, he was good in Un Ballo, but here he was nothing short of EPIC.  His performance, as what I might call a cookie-cutter character, brought credulity and personality to the role in an energetic, heavily emotional way - it was just gorgeous (and he looked pretty great, too).  My favorite part of the entire show was his off-stage troubadour singing, absolutely lovely and compelling.  Interesting fact about Álvarez: he did not begin singing opera until about 30 years old.  Maybe that has something to do with the passionate yet down-to-earth vibe of his singing style.

Though the tenor stole the show, Hvorostovsky was great as always, too.  His Di Luna was convincingly creepy and actually loathsome to watch, even for a fan.  You don't really get to see all the dimensions of his acting, as you can in Un Ballo; that said, his role seemed relatively too small (like watching How the West Was Won - so much stage presence in such little screentime just feels wrong).  It was a big shame since his singing was awesome. 

I also liked Radvanovsky better in Un Ballo, because I think the character fit her better than Leonora.  Maybe it was the director's idea, but her acting as Leonora, with a lot of random smiling at serious moments, was very distracting.  As for her singing -  personally, I don't care for her vibrato, though she sings with a lot of emotion and makes the pianissimos very effective.

For us opera newbs, you just can't go wrong with Verdi.  There's the famous parts you may have heard before, like the Anvil Chorus and Di quella pira.  But Il Trovatore is chock-full of beautiful lesser-known arias such as Di Luna's Il balen del suo sorris and the aforementioned "troubadour singing," Deserto sulla terra (see the clip above).  The story is not devoid of excitement, and the music is accessible from start to finish.  It lacks a certain depth I like to see in an opera, but if you want to see a traditional, "typical" opera with plenty of great music, Il Trovatore is not a bad choice.  This production in particular maintains a historical setting, which, while not the original (15th century), still makes for a nice costume opera.

Production fails - there were four that stood out to me.  There was Leonora's first costume, which looked on the verge of a "wardrobe malfunction" at any moment; this was particularly unfortunate, since the rest of the costumes in the show were really good.  The second problem was some rather silly camera angles, which were probably meant to be cinematic but came across unintentionally funny.  Third, one of the recurrent parts of the sets was a gigantic crucifix in the background, which, though not necessarily irreverent, appeared to have no connection to the story (in itself not particularly religious).  Finally, somebody thought it was a good idea to add prostitute extras to the scene of Or co' dadi ma fra poco (soldiers' chorus), with really distasteful choreography (albeit everyone was clothed).  It didn't add anything to the song; it was just irrelevant to the lyrics and awkwardly gratuitous.

As for the movie theater experience - well, what can I say?   The audience was a little bigger this time, but like before, I was the only person there under the age of 35-40, and most were elderly couples.  THERE WAS SO MUCH CHATTING FROM THE AUDIENCE.  Maybe next time I will sit in the back.  They did clap at the end, though, which was a nice touch.  I like to see people enjoying classical music!

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4th of July

Hope yours is a safe, beautiful Independence Day, wherever you happen to be.  :)
 

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Book Picspam: old + new + borrowed + blue

(Nothing to do with weddings, so forgive the title.  I just love rhymes.)

Head over to Tanglewood for my review of Meditations

My next philosophy read.  This is a BRAND NEW edition and new library book to boot.  I get way too excited about that.

Good book, good movie - and Atticus!  Enough said.

Mom got me this notebook at Daiso (Japanese $1.50 store).  Isn't it gorgeous?  The sticky notes are also from Daiso, extremely reusable (ergo "green") and my favorite way to mark hard copies.

Trying to read these two tomes side-by-side.  Both extremely thought-provoking.

Going to Portland is an event for us, and we are going soon.  This is my revised list for Powell's...I have the budget for at most two of these, and I am definitely getting Evita if they'll still have it.

Summer has been quiet, but I'm staying busy, in a small way, learning this, that, and the other.  This has been a year of learning the obvious, and the obvious is not necessarily easy.  Certainly, the right books at the right time are blessings, for which I'm continuously grateful!

What books are on your mind this summer?

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